So tired…can’t sleep.

Once in a blue moon my insomnia relapses. I used to have intensely bad insomnia, often staying up until sunrise and napping during the day. 

I phased out of insomnia by waking up super early very regularly and changing my environment to eliminate stressors. But sometimes, on nights like these, I just don’t want to sleep for some reason. 

It’s like I don’t want to sleep because I don’t want the day to be over or I don’t want to be an adult in the morning. I have a lot of things going on that are keeping my mind racing and unfortunately I can’t even really talk about them here. Finances, future investments, love life, upcoming projects I’m afraid I’ll fail at….not good blog talk. God forbid my employer finds my blog, the in depth detail about how my left ovary makes huge monster cysts that start sucking up my colon is bad enough. 

I also sense a disturbance in the force. The force being my hormones, of course. I watched The Secret Life of Pets tonight with my dog and cat spooning me on either side and I just cried through the whole thing. I’m tearing up right now thinking about the animated puppies loving their owners. Don’t get me wrong, I love animals. I volunteered for years and I fostered and rescued too. I love animals so much it hurts. I punched a kid in first grade because he tried hurting a beetle. Bleeding heart over here, folks. But crying during movies is not normal for me.

I don’t usually get emotional. I am pretty reserved and save water works for deaths or trauma or pizza sighting. Only serious stuff. So the fact that I’m easily crying watching cute animals is a sign that a storm is brewing. I’ve also been easily irritated, which is my number one sign that trouble is on the horizon. For example, I sent a scathing email to my apartment complex because they haven’t solved our pest issues and it’s been almost a year now. My sass level in that email was off the charts. But it got us what we needed. The CEO of the pest company came out and took our case more seriously and everything will be fine. So I’m using my powers for good and not evil but irritability is a bad sign no matter the cause. 

This is actually the first time my birth control has NOT allowed a period to slip through the cracks of my indignantly regular cycle. I don’t ever skip a day of pills, I just start a new pack when I reach the last week of placebos. I’m told to shoot for 3-4 periods a year but so far I have them every month and a half because my cycle is too alpha for this shit. And it’s almost ironic because I’m already partially infertile (like we’re talking coming of Christ miracles here) so my ovaries are trying awfully hard to prep for baby making when they know full well it’s not going to happen. Well…for many reasons, ovaries withstanding. But it’s like they’re in some intense denial and still trying to pump out the good stuff/ruin my life. I guess it’s their mid-life crisis on the track to menopause so I’ll try to give them a break. 

TL;DR: insomnia is periods.

My undoubtedly ill-received humor aside, hormonal changes affect my sleep and my hormone meds have actually been more effective than they ever have so this might be my body trying to reject them still. Many sleepless nights for me is the result. 

I’d say good night but I know it won’t be. I’m also ending this blog post because my pinkys are going numb from typing on my phone, not because I’m getting sleepy. 

Thanks for reading,

-Elle

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