Cried in the Squat Rack

Yeah I’m sure it looked as cute as it sounds. Granted, I just let go of a few silent, frustrated tears, but I could have easily gone full-estro if I had been alone. 

When my body fails me, it’s such a personal thing. It hurts my heart and it feels like an attack on my self-worth. And that’s just long-lasting conditioning from having chronic pain. The weight of chronic pain eventually gets so exhausting and it slowly strips you of your hobbies, your favorite foods, your favorite places, friends, activities, and joy. So you can imagine that after 4 months of badass progress and overcoming my demons, I just deflated when my body failed me today. 

I felt off all day. I woke up feeling weird, it was 100°F today and it took everything in me to finish work, I just felt weak and sluggish all day. I still ate a shit load of protein and my workout STILL imploded on the first rep. My left quad just felt so tight and it immediately got sore, kind of sharply, and I came back up from full-depth with a look of fear and disbelief. I tried a slower, narrower stance rep and same thing. I just stood there with all that weight on my back for a second and my thoughts raced. 

I have to stop right? No. Keep going. 

So I lowered the weight. Pain again. No, this seriously isn’t a game, this is my body. You need to stop. 

But if you don’t you’ll have failed. It’s just pain, push through. 

So I tried squatting the bar alone. Still pain. This is potential injury pain though, not Fibro or anything like that. 

And just like that, leg day was ruined. I let go of my ego and decided to unrack, albeit with visible frustration and distress. Thankfully the gym was very slow tonight and I just gathered my shitty attitude and did arms and core instead. 

Funny enough, I hit a personal best on arms and core today. It didn’t even feel good, I was still so upset. But I grabbed those 20lbs dumbells today and managed to push through. I also planked without pain and the 25lb plates for my oblique exercises were too light. Bumped up at 35lbs and they were STILL too light! I used those anyway because I wasn’t in the mood to be greedy and my confidence was kind of destroyed but I know in my heart that I actually had a great workout despite feeling like a wash. 

I will have more days like this but that’s ok. I can’t expect my body to perform optimally every time, with or without chronic pain. So I’ll end this whiny post with a favorite quote of mine: 

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” – Winston Churchill.

And with that, I’m going to rest up for my next session tomorrow. 

Thanks for reading, 

-Elle

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